Hell oh hell. Life been really bad these few days. Emotions filling my tiny brain. Ya I am not that smart after all. So after listening to Jolene about being nice to people is the worse thing a person can do. Being caring too. So I will be a person w/o love and care. Heavily Broken and still choking on the question about what I can do. Nothing. I find it so hard to breath nowadays. Trying so desperately to find a way out of all my never ending problems. I hate to blog. It's only when everything reach its optimum, i burst and rant.
Origin of problems: 1) School 2) Friends 3) Being nice/caring 4) Promos 5) PW
I think i should be anti-social. How nice it would be to have no worries. Some people are nice while some are hypocritical. Some go to the extend of lying- quite normal though. People who know me would know that i hate LIARS. Lie to me and you better walk out of my life. Do not even attempt to turn around.
I can say i am a scary person. I can be mad, fun and all but there is a boundary to everything. I just realised how pathetic my life has metaphorphed. Very deplorable and distressing. Till a stage where i cannot even laugh properly. I cannot smile as much as i use to. In fact i smile for the sake of it. which is not coming from within my heart. I try to be mad to conceal my sadness. i hate to when it(sadness,problems) controls me, while i keep running it from it. I want to tell everyone how dejected and despairing i feel. Every moment w/o fail. I want to revert to my old self, or is this part and parcel of human life? Ups and down. Maybe. that is why there is this saying.
I find myself trying very hard to laugh at Priz silliness today, which i usually do-to laugh my ass off. But i cant. I am confused what had gotten into me. At the end of the day i feel like crying. Every morning when i wake up i do get that feeling too. W/O fail yet again. But till date i still have yet to achieve that.
Play lullaby or love and longing to put me to sleep.
Must admit that though i am spoilt with so much friends, I have yet to really appreciate all of them. Am i greedy? Perhaps. Jolene, Pris, Sarah have been like super nice people to me. At least i feel so. I want to go to the Otherside of the world. Shut myself down. Fully. Am i defeated for nuts? You can say so. that is why i am trying to hide. I need someone to pull me out of my own pit. I have fallen into my own pit of darkness.
I feel irritated at my own actions at times. I dont understand how all my incoherant actions actually originated from. I apologise for all these actions that has irritate any of you guys out there or even always laughing at you and not with you.
I apologise out of guilt perhaps. My friends are very supportive and they do not hate me or anything. In fact they love me. i just feel very apologetic. When i make you smile, i lied-for not being myself.
I cant sleep because i am always standing at the edge of the cliff. I am barely hanging. I dont want to appear all whiny and teary outside. So i guess this blog entry has spoken how i feel about my trashy life. be prepared for the worst of me to come. Try to kick me out of your life.
*People who are so uncouth and unappreciative or anything pls jolly well get the fcuk out of my life. you know who you are. You know what you have done to your fellow budds.
i hate to lend my stuff. It always take centuries to crawl back to me. I am referring to a whole community and not to a certain someone. People people, it is only right that you return what you have borrowed from someone else. that is basic courtesy. Where is my "My Date With Vampire 3", more to come. endless. I wish i can really hack all these probs and not try to hard. I dont wanna make this look like one whole vicious cycle which i am trapped in. I am Heavily Broken. But do you care? I dont know what to do. There is nothing i can do. I feel like such a fool.
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Personal Calendar
Nov 23 - Lit P5
Nov 24 - St James Powerhouse
Nov 27 - Prom@Fullerton
Nov 29 - Malaysia
Dec 02 - Bintan
Dec 08 - Hongkong
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